Bad News Songs

Cat Valentine and Robbie Shapiro sing bad news songs to people who have bad news. They have done this in Tori & Jade's Play Date and twice on TheSlap.com. (Note: The italics are spoken lyrics.)

Tanner's Bad News Song

Robbie and Cat were assigned by Sikowitz to sing some "random" bad news to his neighbor Tanner. At first, Tanner took it well because he didn't realize it was about himself, but he was last seen staring horrified at the go-cart remains. It is unknown whether this could be counted successful or not.

Robbie: This kind of news is always hard to tell someone.
Cat: And we really hope it doesn't break your heart.
Robbie: But somebody ran,
Cat: Yeah, somebody ran,
Robbie: A woman or a man,
Cat: Maybe in a van,
Both: Somebody ran over your go-cart.
Robbie: And it got crushed!
Cat: It's unfixable!

Beck's Bad News Song

This was sung to Beck Oliver at the request of André Harris. It is about how André accidentally spilled a cup of his grandmother's urine in Beck's car. The outcome of the song was successful as Beck said after it "Well, I'm not thrilled about the urine in my car, but I liked your song so I'm cool with it."

Robbie: Hey, Mr. Beck.
Cat: Your life's goin' swell.
Robbie: Now here's some news,
Cat: That's not so fun to tell.
Both: Oh, oh

Robbie: Now André'd like to thank you for the use of your car,
Cat: But something icky happened and it's kind of bizarre.
Robbie: His grandmother peed in a clear plastic cup.
Cat: André put it in your car, then he started it up.
Both: Now... comes... the bad part!

Cat: He was on his way to the doctor and he took a sharp turn.
Robbie: The cup fell over and spilled all the urine.
Cat: 64 plus 9 equals 73,
Robbie: But please don't feel bad now that your car smells like pee.
Both: 'Cause you're still good looking.

Stinky Boy's Bad News Song

The full version of this was not seen, but the outcome was successful with Cat advising the boy to take more showers and him agreeing.

Both: We don't mean to make you feel sad,
Both: But sometimes you smell really bad.

Trina's Bad News Song

Cat and Robbie singing to Trina in 'Tori & Jade's Play Date'

This is sung to Trina Vega in an attempt to let her down more gently in her date's, Seth, rejection. This song was not successful and ended with Trina destroying Robbie's guitar in anger.

Robbie: Trina, oh Trina,
Cat: Yeah Trina,
Both: You're staying home tonight!
Robbie: Now Seth, he was gonna take you,
Cat: To a rockin' Lakers game.
Robbie: But Seth, he started thinking,
Cat: That hanging out with you is just insane!
Robbie: (Just insane!)

Robbie: Now Trina, oh Trina,
Cat: Yeah Trina,
Both: You're staying home tonight!
Both: You're staying home tonight!
Both: You're staying home tonight!
Both: You're staying home tonight!
Cat: 'Cause you've been dumped... tonight.

Randy's Bad News Song

This is a deleted scene from Tori and Jade's Playdate. Lane has to tell bad kid Randy Bronson that he's expelled but doesn't want to be spanked, so he pays Cat and Robbie $50 to sing the news to him. This is unsuccessful because Randy starts walking towards them with a menacing look while they back away before running out of the school.

Randy!
Mr. Randy, Mr. Randy, Mr. Raaaa-ndy,
You got 3 F's, now you gotta go home
Hey Mr. Randy, man
Scary Randy Bronson!
You got 3 F's, now you gotta go home!
*Both starting to run away*

Mole Bad News Song

This song was written for people with an unsightly mole on their face. This is the first bad news song that was made purely for The Slap.

Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over that mole on your face.
Moles just happen; they aren't your fault,
But that little beauty is quite a disgrace.

Hey, friend, you're still a good person.
You wear your heart right on your sleeve, but,
You have got to fix that,
Or your friends will up and leave.

There's no way you don't see it,
I know your house ain't dark.
And don't you kid yourself it's,
It's not a beauty mark.

Beauty marks are little and cute.
Like Cat.

It's really really gross when we're at the table,
And I have to look at that ugly brown zit.
Every bite of my tuna sandwich,
Makes me feel like I'm tasting it.

So do yourself and your pals a favor.
Have your doc fire up this laser,
And aim it at that nasty beaut,
Or all your friends will continue to puke.
That means throw up.

Grandma Bad News Song

This song was originally to be told to siblings when their grandmother was coming over for a while.

Robbie: Did you ever know, that you're really neat?
Cat: You're ever so humble, and ever so sweet.
Robbie: Did you also know that grandma's coming to stay?

Cat: “You didn’t?”
Robbie: “Well it gets worse.”
Cat: She's sleeping in your room.

Robbie: So now her face will be snuggling on her pillow case.
Cat: Her old and wrinkly skin will be rubbing on the sheets you're sleep in.
Robbie: You get to sleep on the floor. Freeze your butt and listen to her snore.
Cat: She'll put her teeth in a cup, so make sure to don't drink the water when you wake up.

Robbie: Mom said it's only gonna be a week or
Both: Two, or, three, or eight.

Cat: “But think of it this way”

Robbie: We couldn't think of a way to make it sound any better today.
Cat: It's a pathetic tale of the next few weeks that will feel like jail.

Both: So good luck! 😄

Turtle Bad News Song

Officially called "Your Turtle Got Out and a Was Picked Up By a Bird But Don't Worry, He's Fine, You Just Need to Keep a Better Eye On Him".

Well, you got a turtle
Up there in your room.
But that poor little turtle man
He almost faced his doom.

So your turtle got up
And walked out the door.
He crawled to your lawn
But he ain't there no more.

'Cause you see a bird
Flying way overhead.
Well, it picked up your little turtle now
And made it fitting dead(?).

Oh, but your turtle
That bird just dropped him on a roof.
Your neighbor's roof to be exact.

I say that poor reptile
Turtles are reptiles, that's a fact.

So go tell your dad
Or maybe your mom
To fetch a ladder
Or borrow one from Tom.

Assuming you know
A dude named Tom.
Although it would be kind of weird if you
Don't know a single Tom!

Just get your turtle
And give him a nice kiss on his shell,
Give a little smooch to your green fella.
But then go wash your lips 'cause
You could get salmonella.
Salmonella's a bacteria.
Whoa. (Whoa)